Monthly Archives: January 2017

Letter to my children…

 

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I see that you’ve grown over night. Your face is more defined, your eyes look older. A part of me is excited and in awe; I know you have so much ahead of you. Another part is scared because time is racing and I can’t slow it down. I’m afraid that I haven’t always been awake and noticing, and that somehow I have slept through the magic of your growing. I wonder, have I enjoyed you enough? Have I given you what you needed?

I’m not always good at this. I’m not always as good as I want to be at being your mom. I want to be great; and sometimes I am, but sometimes I’m not.

Sometimes I get it, and sometimes I don’t.

Sometimes I do it right, and sometimes I completely miss it.

Everyday I make mistakes.

Sometimes I snap when I should be sensitive. Sometimes I lecture and give chores when what you needed was a hug. Sometimes I completely and utterly miss it. I know that I do. I mistake your pain for complaining or your sad heart for a bad attitude. I watch myself miss it, and later I grieve that I didn’t respond differently.

I miss it when I am scared. I am scared of big things and little things. I really thought adults had it all figured out, but I am one now, and it turns out we don’t. Sometimes fear snatches my heart and I can’t seem to think of anything else. I forget to relax and to enjoy you. I forget to smile and to laugh. I’m working on that.

I miss it when I am lost. I’m struggling with my own demons and it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes it’s anxiety or it’s depression, but it’s never, ever your fault. I will keep striving for wholeness so that when you reach those obstacles I can help you do the same.

I know that it is easy to hang on to the negative things and forget all the positive, but I want to set the record straight. When I look at you I am SO. PROUD. When I look at you I see good. I see someone who is mighty. I wonder how I have been trusted with such a treasure.

Please keep helping me to see you and to know you. Keep telling me when I hurt your feelings. Keep sharing with me your fears and your insecurities and we will figure it out together.

I’m okay with making mistakes, but I’m never okay with losing your heart. Your heart is what matters to me.

I hope that my weakness teaches you something. I hope that when you come upon your own brokenness, tiredness, fear, and confusion, that you will be okay with it. I pray that your imperfections won’t scare you as they have me. I pray that you won’t run from them, but that you’ll wrestle with them and you will keep showing up, saying sorry, and trying again.

We don’t always get it right and that’s okay.

We are all professional mistake makers, and you will make lots and lots of mistakes. You will make countless amounts of mistakes, just like I have, but not one could darken the light I see when I look at you. You are my treasure, you are my reason.

Even though life is racing by, sometimes we have a moment. Sometimes we can reach out, grab time, and hold it. The world stops, all is quiet, and we really see each other. In this moment when I glimpse the person you are and who you’re becoming, all I can think is…

Wow.

On this morning, where it seems you’ve grown overnight, I want to tell you that you are wonderful. You amaze me everyday – and as I watch you, you inspire me. You inspire me to pull out the greatness that’s inside me. In this family we will make mistakes, but we will keep doing it together and we will keep holding each other other tight.

It turns out I’m never, ever, going to be perfect, but I am always and forever yours, and I’m always and forever on your team. That I can promise you.

The Joys in a Year

Almost a full year since I last made the effort to write or Blog for you.

So what happened? Lots and lots has happened. A lot of good and a lot of Bad.

a Year ago I said: Dani you have a boyfriend.

Well that lasted a little while as your BF had to leave to achieve his dreams. Your heart was broken and it took a while to accept  and then just before your matric dance evening you had to find a new partner or go it alone. You, Kirsten and Altrisha joked about finding guys and the eeuw’s and the oooh’s and the gutsy laughs that came out of the room was hilarious to listen to. There were times that a bit of chasing went on as the one teased the other with names for a possible date and grabbing their phone, pretending to send the guy a message. In the end you all ended  up with you choices in men/boys

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You looked absolutely amazing and we all thought it would be over and out after that. Well you took that a step further by inviting your date for a Thank You coffee at the local Mugg & Bean and the rest is History. Still together today. I am happy for you as long as you are happy and he makes you happy. 3 Happy’s in one sentence.

In between all this there was your sport, your school, your upcoming Final exams and the one thing you had worked for so hard. Being given your Junior Springbok Colours for Tug of War. You participated in your first International Event in Zambia. I am sincerely the luckiest mom ever to have been able to be there for you every step of the way. For a Girl that is not too shabby an achievement. Your other great achievement was receiving the recognition for your hard work and efforts two years in a row,  as Sports person of the Year.

Final exams was a nail biting story for us all and I am sure that a bit of transition was set in motion when you went to stay at Aunty Lisa’s house to study. Sincerely think it was the best thing we could do and it rubbed off and gave you time to really study. It also showed you a bit of responsibility and what it would be like to be away from Home.

Now exams are done and your results are in. YOU PASSED !! You gave it your all and did your best. You may not have done exceptional in all your subjects but I believe that when you have given your best, you should accept the outcome. Never look back. Never question or doubt yourself. It’s not what you do in future it’s How you go about achieving what you want.

The new year has started and there is a magnitude of opportunities waiting for you. The only person who can decide which road to take is you.

PS: I Love You.

Music? What Music?

I grew up in a house where music was a big thing. My Father was drumer in a few bands in his lifetime and all he ever wanted was for at least ONE of his five kids to follow in his footsteps, but there was never money to pay for this and when I showed a bit of interest I was quickly enrolled into piano classes. I took a few and found it fascinating but the passion was just not there. In fact, I hated it. I hated sitting in that class doing the same repetitions every day and feeling that we were not moving forward.

The other thing was that it interfered with something I liked more. Sport!!! The music Class was next to the Sportsfields and I could hear the games and the whistle blowing every time there was grounds for correction. My ears was more tuned into those sounds than the notes from the piano. If only my Sport practice and Piano lessons did not clash. I might have still been able to play the piano today. 

I grew up with 60’s music. Rock n Roll, Country and Western, Pop etc. That was MUSIC! You understood the Music. You felt the music and heard the music.

Today there is some good music I must admit, but in general it has become very synthetic. Gyrating, Twerking, Screeching and downright foul in most instances. If you had to sit down and really listen to the musical instrument that is used you would be able to recognise very few. Not the person singing, the actual instruments used. It’s just easier to use musical equipment to produce sounds these days.

You all seem to be able to do one thing automatically, memorise the words. Words don’t always make the Music. It’s Sound. Listen. Listen to the Sounds. I am sure you would find most of it awful. You can make up a 4 minute long song with one single sentence. Repetitive over and over same crap different tune and call it a hit! There’s lot of them Just listen.