With Love from me to you

Love you today tomorrow FOREVER and then some

Just like that

In that formation

Never a Doubt

Would not be who I am without any of you.

From Mom to Granny to Great Grandmother

It’s 2022 and it’s post Covid. We have had to pick up the pieces and carry on with our lives. We have had doors closed, friendships broken, families ripped apart, lost loved ones but we have also had wonderful new beginnings.
New Life, new growth and self-worth.
Living in South Africa with its diverse cultures and past history makes for horrendous living conditions but none as bad as what the government and its corrupt sanctimonious arseholes are dishing out daily. Taxes upon taxes and higher costs of living due to what we call LOADSHEDDING. For hours a day we have to live without electricity because no maintenance has been done on the infrastructure in years. theft of coal and other resources are whitewashed whilst we are brainwashed into believing that they are trying their best to fix the problem. This is not a problem – it is a phenomenal Fuck Up of mass destruction.
Amidst all of this we have to carry on with life and do our best to survive.
In less than a 3-month period I first became a great grandmother and last night grandmother again. My eldest granddaughter gave birth to her own daughter Tahlita. I am so extremely grateful for this new little bundle in our family and know that she will be the best mommy she can be as she has definitely learnt from the best. Her own mother. We are many many miles apart and only through the grace of social media are we able to stay connected. We are able to not just love with our hearts but also with our eyes. Thank you for being the amazing soul that you are Chandre.

I helped raise a “daughter” I did not give birth to but brought into life by witnessing her birth and helping with her delivery as the Dr was unavailable. She was named after me which made her even more special. As the years went by she became an adult herself and fell in love and pursued a modelling career where she did pretty well. She found out that she was pregnant and from early on had said she would want me to be present when the baby was due. On the night she was due to give birth they had trouble with their vehicle, and I rushed off to collect her. By the time I got to them on the side of the road she had changed her mind and stayed in the car with Dullayn with me following them to hospital.
That was the start of an extremely long labour as she was so tiny and baby was big but she made it. I was allowed to “catch” the little man as he took his first breath. Zylon Elijah came into the world weighing a whopping 3,8 kg. Blue eyed and wide awake.

Jumping forward to 28/12/2022 at 6pm
I received a frantic call and all I heard was Get me at the Hospital. I giggled a bit because I knew she can be quite the drama queen and continued enjoying my supper first. I got dressed and got into my car thinking I have nothing to worry about and that another long night would await us. 5 minutes later I got another call asking where I was. I assured Dullyan that I was on my way. The trip between the two town normally takes 25 minutes but given that we are a tourist town and that it is now high season the roads were nothing less than a nightmare and with the sun fading fast I had no choice but to drive with as much caution as possible. ANother 5 min and another frantic call. Where are you? She is about to Push. I was a mere 3 minutes away. I masde it to the hospital and anticipated being stopped at the front desk but was waved through as he could clearly see this was a Mom on a mission. I kicked off my slops as they were slipping on the tiles and scooped them as I ran for the stairs. I entered the Maternity Ward door, saw a male nurse, mentioned her name and he just waved me straight through. I heard her scream and then within second heard a baby. NOOOO …. I missed it by seconds. As I ran in the door the nurse had just placed her on Mommy’s tummy. I felt Terrible not being there for her sooner but I was there. I was there with her, daddy and Baby Ayziya (Azia) Great Job Lynne.

Welcome to the world little miracle.

PS: I LOVE YOU

Halloween in November

No one lives forever

Life as we know it and as we perceive it can do a complete turnaround in literally a second.

(4/11/2020) What I thought would just be a normal Wednesday night made a slight turn to the left. I was just about to settle in with a cup of coffee, Netflix and some in-between banter between Janeane and myself when I received a phone call from Jacquie needing a blood pressure cuff. I put the phone down and had the most incredible feeling of losing all control and an electrifying pain from behind my ear round my head and into my nose, I tried lifting my arm to my face as I felt I might have a nosebleed coming but could not lift it. I heard Janeane calling Dad telling him something was wrong with me and next thing I knew Dad was standing in front of me asking me to do certain things which I could not do and it aggravated me more. I remember shaking my head from side to side because I did not want him touching my face and kept trying to assure him, I was fine. The episode lasted a few seconds and then passed. I was slightly disorientated but knew what was going on around me. Jax and Michael Boukes came over and whilst they used the cuff Dad put it on me as well. My BP was slightly higher than normal but nothing to be alarmed about.

On Thursday 5/11/2020 all was well, and I went about my normal day at school although I was extremely sleepy the whole day. Just needed a good night’s rest. On Friday 6/11/2020 I quickly got all my data and duties done and by 12 pm walked down towards the hall where we a Birthday Lunch for Mr Marallich the Headmaster of the school.

At some stage during lunch I turned to Kitty next to me and said that the food I ate had a tin foil taste. She was quite shocked that I would describe her food as having a “taste”. She asked me if I had been drinking the night before as I was slightly slurring. No I most definitely had not. After lunch I remember getting up and walking back towards my cubicle at the school gate but at some point had to grab onto the fence next to me as my legs would not carry me and my head was spinning. I lost control of my bladder and in the distance heard someone asking if I was okay whilst slumped against the fence. I tried to lift my arm to call them to come help me but no one came. Once I reached the cubicle and found my phone, I called Cassondra who told me to stay put and wait but before I knew it I was in my car on the Highway heading to the Dr. Cassondra was furious with me and with good reason as I could have killed myself or someone else on the road.

From the time I got to the Dr’s and admitted to hospital I don’t remember much but here by the grace of God I am.

The long Lockdown

It’s been a very long time since I wrote anything on this page for you. As we enter the almost 100 days of Lockdown and the Covid – 19 catastrophe that has hit the entire world it has now become a close call for us as a family.

We experienced a death in the family in the first week of this covid pandemic (not taken by the virus itself) but something that could have been dealt with better. Oupa “Ferdiland”, a man of great meaning in all our lives.

At first we all just kept watching and seeing things unfold around us. Our freedom of movement taken away in one quick swoop of the governmental iron fist. Over and over we hear the same words, Stay at home, wash your hands, social distance, sanitize, wash your hands, wear a mask in public. Close all shops, schools, businesses and above all shut down tourism. No more flights as airports closed and planes were grounded. You will stay stuck where you are until this is over. The Gov announced an initial shut down of 3 weeks. That has now become Day 97 (3 months later) as the spread has now reached levels incomprehensible.

The first few weeks into this new way of life seemed ok. We got to spend time with each other in closed quarters. Something we sometimes wished we did not have to do. You were only to leave your house for medical emergencies or a quick trip to the shop. Lockdown had been set up in stages. Level 5 being the hard Lockdown and easing down to levels 4, 3, 2 and 1. We have now reached level 3 and it’s going nowhere slowly. When level 3 was announced people were given freedom of cross border movement which in my opinion is what caused the spark. We had no infections, nothing and now all of a sudden we are crossing the double digits and it includes a local death. That is one death too many.

In the first weeks we cleaned, de-cluttered, cooked, baked, watched matters unfold on TV, heard about the first fatality in Cape Town and closely followed the spread. For more than 2 months we had no cases in our little town. Nothing happened, we felt safe and believed we had crushed the virus but now after 97 of partial lockdown days it has finally sprung to life and is spreading like wildfire. I started feeling unwell on Friday 26 June after getting home from school. Eventually made the call on Monday and had my test arranged for Tuesday. Horrid is the only word I can come up with. a long thin tube stuck into both nostrils for just a few seconds but it felt like torture.

Below is an account of hat happens to a patient once they have been admitted to hospital after testing positive and having difficulty with breathing

The incubation,

Here you go folks… for those people who don’t understand what it means to be on a ventilator but want to take the chance of going out without a mask…

For starters, it’s NOT an oxygen mask put over the mouth while the patient is comfortably lying down and reading magazines. Ventilation for Covid-19 is a painful intubation that goes down your throat and stays there until you live or you die.

It is done under anesthesia for 2 to 3 weeks without moving, often upside down, with a tube inserted from the mouth up to the trachea and allows you to breathe to the rhythm of the lung machine. The patient can’t talk or eat, or do anything naturally – the machine keeps you alive.

The discomfort and pain they feel from this means medical experts have to administer sedatives and painkillers to ensure tube tolerance for as long as the machine is needed. It’s like being in an artificial coma.

After 20 days from this treatment, a young patient loses 40% muscle mass, and gets mouth or vocal cords trauma, as well as possible pulmonary or heart complications.

It is for this reason that old or already weak people can’t withstand the treatment and die. Many of us are in this boat … so stay safe unless you want to take the chance of ending up here. This is NOT the flu.

Add a tube into your stomach, either through your nose or skin for liquid food, a sticky bag around your butt to collect the diarrhea, a foley catheter to collect urine, an IV for fluids and meds, an A-line f to monitor your BP that is completely dependent upon finely calculated med doses, teams of nurses, CRNA’s and MA’s to reposition your limbs every two hours and lying on a mat that circulates ice cold fluid to help bring down your 104 degree temp.

-Anyone want to try all that out? Stay home and wear a mask when you go out! Stay safe and well!-

What this article doesn’t say, is that the patient can hear everything that is said so if the staff carelessly talks about death, the patient panics. If the sedatives are lessened, the patient panics because he can’t breath or talk or, in his case, move. When they begin to lower the pain medications, the patient screams in his head but can’t make a sound. When they take out the tubes it’s extremely uncomfortable. A trachea may replace the respirator, the patient still can’t talk or eat without a tube.

Your child, your spouse, your parent, suffers from covid 19 alone in the hospital. The victims are not limited to strangers. When you choose to crowd, unmasked, into newly opened stores for some irrelevant purchase, ask yourself if it’s worth a lifetime of knowing your child suffered, maybe died, alone.

Tumor days

so I got booked into The Neuro Clinic for observation, evaluation and preparation for removal of a meningioma, I am to understand how it will affect me and what I can expect to happen to me and my body afterwards.

Yesterday the 26th of November I was sent for a minor procedure that would take all of 20 minutes in theatre. A Dr Nel performed the nasty task of cleaning out my entire bowel system and taking off a few hemorrhoid’s that had appeared over the years and caused me some discomfort and even some embarrassment. I can only think how embarrassing it must be to be scratching around in someone else’s asshole to cut off little blood vessels at close range. Thankfully I was asleep so would never know. Anyone who chooses a profession such as this deserves a medal. it’s a real shitty one.

Years ago I saw my father directly after he had his procedure and the image unfortunately stuck in my mind. Graphically. To say I was slightly nervous could be an understatement and the first thing I did after waking up was to run my hand over my backside. Oh …. Nothing. Did I miss it? Did they not do the operation? There was no pain whatsoever. I could immediately sit up and on my backside. I remembered the doctor coming past me in his scrubs and mentioning he found two larger blobs on the inside lining and had cauterized them. The rest he tied off with tiny elastic bands that would fall off by themselves later.

I was transported back to the clinic and felt great. Had some coffee, had a croissant and later even ventured outside for a smoke in the garden. All good. Came to my room, tried to just lie down and take it easy. an hour or so later a bunch of us all went back outside and as I sat on the bench I felt a wave of dizziness spread over me. I was so scared that I would black out in front of the people around me that I asked them to lay me down on the grass. Next thing I know there is a humungous man standing in front of me with a wheelchair. Off to bed. For te life of me I could not fall asleep and have been awake since. It is now 5.58am on Friday morning 27th November and I have had 1 hours sleep. I thought anesthetics are supposed to make you sleep but seems it can also wake you up and keep you up.

Well so another day has broken. I sat outside at 5 am listening to the birds, watching the sun come up over the Outeniqua mountains and stare at a teeny tiny flower head open from it’s slumber.

Sometimes even when your days starts off with a lot of SHIT in your head it still does not leave you with emptiness. There is life, we have life and we have LOVE.

PS: I love you.

Proudly Mine

All my daughters, Yes all of them meaning all 4 I gave birth to and all 4 I did not but are just as much mine as the others, I love you all to death.

Each of my own has made me proud, made me angry, made me want to slap the hibby bejeeby out of you at times but mostly just PROUD. The women you have all become and the goals you all work so hard on, are phenomenal and nothing short of miracles.

I may sometimes say the wrong things and it instantly gets your hackles up but having you calm down and still come back to ask me for advice makes me know I did something right. You may not always make good choices but I love seeing you deal with the consequences and how you resolve and better yourselves after the fact.

You are all proudly mine.

PS: I love you

Dis ‘n fokop as mens se ma dood is.

PS: I love you

Kouevuur

Daar word gesê mense gebruik vloekwoorde om hulself uit te druk as hul woordeskat beperk is. Glo my, my woordeskat is so groot soos die Here se genade, maar soms kan net ‘n vloekwoord iets verwoord. Nie al die woorde in die dikste woordeboek kan presies vertel wat se fokop dit is as mens se ma dood is nie. Weg. Vir altyd. Soos in absoluut weg vir die res van my lewe.

Dis die laaste keer wat ek sal skryf hieroor, want ek weet niemand weet regtig wat om te sê vir iemand wat ‘n geliefde verloor het nie. ‘Ek is jammer oor jou verlies. Sterkte. Dink aan jou.’ Ja, ek weet en ek waardeer. Ek het self al daai woorde al vir ander gesê en dit uit my hart bedoel. Dis net, dis net woorde. Dit troos vir die oomblik. Dus skryf ek hier, want dis al waar ek…

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Quiet on the Homefront

Summer is fast retracting it’s warm tentacles and the cold is creeping in. Winter is closer than you think.

It’s been very quiet for a while now. Life has just carried on and days have gone by.

We have lost so many friends in the last few months and I think we all just assume that the other is ok.

We speak of the departed for a few days and then we just carry on with our emotions safely tucked away.

Are we really doing so well. I know for sure I am not. I don’t want to be overbearing and harper on and on, but it really

Bugs me to think that you, my children are NOT ok and that you have piled up the things that hurt you and can leave scars that will never heal. Please speak up.

Letter to my children…

 

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I see that you’ve grown over night. Your face is more defined, your eyes look older. A part of me is excited and in awe; I know you have so much ahead of you. Another part is scared because time is racing and I can’t slow it down. I’m afraid that I haven’t always been awake and noticing, and that somehow I have slept through the magic of your growing. I wonder, have I enjoyed you enough? Have I given you what you needed?

I’m not always good at this. I’m not always as good as I want to be at being your mom. I want to be great; and sometimes I am, but sometimes I’m not.

Sometimes I get it, and sometimes I don’t.

Sometimes I do it right, and sometimes I completely miss it.

Everyday I make mistakes.

Sometimes I snap when I should be sensitive. Sometimes I lecture and give chores when what you needed was a hug. Sometimes I completely and utterly miss it. I know that I do. I mistake your pain for complaining or your sad heart for a bad attitude. I watch myself miss it, and later I grieve that I didn’t respond differently.

I miss it when I am scared. I am scared of big things and little things. I really thought adults had it all figured out, but I am one now, and it turns out we don’t. Sometimes fear snatches my heart and I can’t seem to think of anything else. I forget to relax and to enjoy you. I forget to smile and to laugh. I’m working on that.

I miss it when I am lost. I’m struggling with my own demons and it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes it’s anxiety or it’s depression, but it’s never, ever your fault. I will keep striving for wholeness so that when you reach those obstacles I can help you do the same.

I know that it is easy to hang on to the negative things and forget all the positive, but I want to set the record straight. When I look at you I am SO. PROUD. When I look at you I see good. I see someone who is mighty. I wonder how I have been trusted with such a treasure.

Please keep helping me to see you and to know you. Keep telling me when I hurt your feelings. Keep sharing with me your fears and your insecurities and we will figure it out together.

I’m okay with making mistakes, but I’m never okay with losing your heart. Your heart is what matters to me.

I hope that my weakness teaches you something. I hope that when you come upon your own brokenness, tiredness, fear, and confusion, that you will be okay with it. I pray that your imperfections won’t scare you as they have me. I pray that you won’t run from them, but that you’ll wrestle with them and you will keep showing up, saying sorry, and trying again.

We don’t always get it right and that’s okay.

We are all professional mistake makers, and you will make lots and lots of mistakes. You will make countless amounts of mistakes, just like I have, but not one could darken the light I see when I look at you. You are my treasure, you are my reason.

Even though life is racing by, sometimes we have a moment. Sometimes we can reach out, grab time, and hold it. The world stops, all is quiet, and we really see each other. In this moment when I glimpse the person you are and who you’re becoming, all I can think is…

Wow.

On this morning, where it seems you’ve grown overnight, I want to tell you that you are wonderful. You amaze me everyday – and as I watch you, you inspire me. You inspire me to pull out the greatness that’s inside me. In this family we will make mistakes, but we will keep doing it together and we will keep holding each other other tight.

It turns out I’m never, ever, going to be perfect, but I am always and forever yours, and I’m always and forever on your team. That I can promise you.

The Joys in a Year

Almost a full year since I last made the effort to write or Blog for you.

So what happened? Lots and lots has happened. A lot of good and a lot of Bad.

a Year ago I said: Dani you have a boyfriend.

Well that lasted a little while as your BF had to leave to achieve his dreams. Your heart was broken and it took a while to accept  and then just before your matric dance evening you had to find a new partner or go it alone. You, Kirsten and Altrisha joked about finding guys and the eeuw’s and the oooh’s and the gutsy laughs that came out of the room was hilarious to listen to. There were times that a bit of chasing went on as the one teased the other with names for a possible date and grabbing their phone, pretending to send the guy a message. In the end you all ended  up with you choices in men/boys

.

You looked absolutely amazing and we all thought it would be over and out after that. Well you took that a step further by inviting your date for a Thank You coffee at the local Mugg & Bean and the rest is History. Still together today. I am happy for you as long as you are happy and he makes you happy. 3 Happy’s in one sentence.

In between all this there was your sport, your school, your upcoming Final exams and the one thing you had worked for so hard. Being given your Junior Springbok Colours for Tug of War. You participated in your first International Event in Zambia. I am sincerely the luckiest mom ever to have been able to be there for you every step of the way. For a Girl that is not too shabby an achievement. Your other great achievement was receiving the recognition for your hard work and efforts two years in a row,  as Sports person of the Year.

Final exams was a nail biting story for us all and I am sure that a bit of transition was set in motion when you went to stay at Aunty Lisa’s house to study. Sincerely think it was the best thing we could do and it rubbed off and gave you time to really study. It also showed you a bit of responsibility and what it would be like to be away from Home.

Now exams are done and your results are in. YOU PASSED !! You gave it your all and did your best. You may not have done exceptional in all your subjects but I believe that when you have given your best, you should accept the outcome. Never look back. Never question or doubt yourself. It’s not what you do in future it’s How you go about achieving what you want.

The new year has started and there is a magnitude of opportunities waiting for you. The only person who can decide which road to take is you.

PS: I Love You.